Linens and Lace and Insecurities

By Sharon Marie


“Every woman is beautiful”

“Sexy is a state of mind”

“One hot Momma”

For the past few months these thoughts have been running through my mind, over and over again. Usually followed by, “Maybe I should call and cancel, wait until I’m thinner.” See I have always wanted to surprise my Husband with a boudoir shoot, nothing trashy, but pretty, tasteful and beautiful. One day I was talking to my friend Kristina (who is a photographer) we decide to go a head and schedule a shoot, it would be a first for both of us, Kristina mostly works with newborns.

As a mother of five beautiful children, lets just say I don’t look like I did in high school. Things have shifted, gotten bigger and sagged. Nothing is where it once was. Although my hubby tells me all the time that I am sexy, I still can’t help but look in the mirror and mourn the body I once had, oh to be a size 2 again. I drive an SUV, I wear Nikes and Yoga pants, there’s always some kind of unknown stain on my shirt. Can I really look “hot” again?

So I began to think, who or what makes us long for these little small bodies? Is it the media, models, men, or…. ourselves? I thought about this over and over, looking through hundreds of photos of other women. Boudoir shoot after boudoir shoot, asking my self “what is sexy?” And I realized something; all of these women (of all different body types) were sexy, not “in their own way” but just sexy, beautiful!!! I was not looking at these other women and thinking “oh she’s too fat” or “wow she really shouldn't be wearing that” which is what I imagined others would say about my photos. But rather that the stigma of the “perfect body” was a creation of my own imagination, that it was not at the fault of my husband that I no longer felt “sexy” but my own thoughts and actions, I had stopped trying to be sexy, stopped doing my make-up and hair, besides the basic mascara and a pony tail, I stopped wearing sexy outfits, I stopped trying. I had fallen into the mom trap.

The day of the shoot was getting closer and closer, and I was getting more and more nervous. Still questioning myself, and trying to talk my self out of it. I had asked a friend to go with me to help with my hair and make up and for moral support. I had started saving pictures to my phone of images I liked (it was a good thing my husband didn't look through my phone or he would have been very confused by all the pictures of other woman). Still thinking I can’t achieve this, these are professionals who know what angles to use to make these women beautiful, and as talented as Kristina is this is her first boudoir and I don’t know if we can pull this off. I bought some new “outfits” and got my hair and nails done, and even tried to diet but with little results. The few people who knew I was going to do this all had the same reaction “wow you are so brave, I would love to do that, but I’m to heavy, old, etc. maybe after I get into shape…yada yada yada” And I told all of them the same thing “That sexy was a state of mind, and we are all sexy” but truly wasn't believing it myself.

Before I knew it, it was time to go to the shoot. I had packed my bags and was as ready as I was ever going to be. Still thinking of these glamorous photos I had been researching and thinking, “I can never look like that.” Thinking this was going to be a huge waste of time, even the best Photoshop Pro would have their work cut out for them.

Hair done…Check

Make-Up…Check

Outfit…Check

Confidence…Um not so much.

Shortly after the shoot began I was starting to feel more and more comfortable. The three of us were laughing and having a blast. The shoot was not nearly as glamorous as I had imagined, and for that I was grateful. I was completely comfortable and at points was laughing so hard I was crying. There was absolutely no pressure and the time flew by. I quickly found that being “Sexy” was hard work and by the end of the shoot I was completely exhausted and my legs, back and abs ached. I felt like I had just spent hours at the gym. Who knew that taking some pictures would be so much work? As we packed up we were still laughing about things that were said during the shoot, “twerk” was the new word of the day, which no longer made us think of MTV and you know who, but was used to describe how I hurt my back holding a pose. “Twerking” is not for the weak. Maybe I am getting to old for this stuff??!!!!

Now that the shoot was behind me, I found myself more and more nervous, Kristina was going to send me the proofs to pick from and then she would edit the ones I picked out. I was so uneasy thinking about those photos, even though she had assured me that she liked what she had seen in the camera. When I reviewed the photos I was unsure of how I would react, I kept telling myself not to be too critical and that I had to at least pick 5 images to give to the Hubby. I clicked the link and up popped all of my photos. Wow there was A LOT!!! Good, hopefully I could find some I liked. As I scrolled though and wrote down the ones I liked I was over come with a feeling of surprise, elation, awe. The more I looked at the more I liked. Could this really be me? Could I really look like this…without Photoshop magic? I ended up liking over 20 photos.

I loved these pictures and couldn’t believe how they had turned out. No I didn’t look like a size 2 bombshell but I was pleased with the way they turned out. I looked pretty, soft, curvy, and real!!! I waited for the edited photos to see what Kristina would do to them. I expected that it would be weeks before I got them back and was surprised when she had them all done in just 2 days.

I was just as nervous and anxious to open the edited images as I was before. When I saw them I literally cried, I could not believe that was me in those pictures, how could it be, that’s not the same girl I see in the mirror every day. But it was! And I felt so good about myself, I felt pretty, glamorous, sexy and most of all beautiful. It had been a very long time since I had felt any of those things and in that moment, I decided that ALL women should feel this way!! That sexy really is a state of mind. I am living proof that you don’t need to be a size 3 with long blond hair to be hot, to look beautiful, it is all in the way we perceive ourselves. And with the correct lighting and angles any woman can look amazing. Don’t just do it for your significant other, but do it for yourself, (although they will be very excited to get them) every girl needs to feel pretty once and a while.

Find a photographer who is professional and that you feel comfortable with, pick out photos you like, but most of all relax and stop judging yourself, because no one else is, you are your worse critic and once you get past that everything else will fall into place.

I want to give a HUGE thank you to Kristina Hubbard!!! She did such and amazing job. Many of the pictures really didn’t need any editing!!! Any one can make a picture look good with enough Photoshop, but it takes true talent to be a GREAT photographer!! Please check out her sites and if you are in the Reno/Sacramento area you MUST book a session!!!

www.wix.com/khubbardphotography/site

www.facebook.com/khubbardphoto

Also to Stacey Sept, I couldn’t have done it without you!! Thanks for you help, can’t wait for your shoot!